My 10-year-old son slept in my closet the other night. With my permission.
Now before you call DYFYS on me, let me set the scene for you. There was a thunderstorm that night. One of those new, biblical-scale thunderstorms we've begun to get here in NJ. Torrential rain, bright lightning, and claps of thunder that ricochets off the houses and rolls endlessly into the next clap of thunder.
Frankly, I was a little nervous too. So when my son came into the room and said "Mom, I'm scared!" I wasn't surprised. And when he went on to say "Can I sleep in your closet?" it made perfect sense to me. My closet is the sort of walk-in closet you have in an old house - short (about the length of a 10 year old laying down) and narrow. There's no window, the ceiling is slanted and the clothes form a kind of cocoon that not only muffles the noise but also makes you feel protected.
"Take the bedspread off the chair, use your pillow, and no talking" I replied. His grateful smile was beautiful.
My husband still thinks it's weird. "Who sleeps in a closet? People sleep in beds! He needs to learn to tough these things out!"
I agree that there are things in life you DO need to learn to tough out. But I also think you need to find ways to soothe yourself, to bring yourself comfort in times of great stress.
He came up with the idea of sleeping in the closet by himself. It was non-lethal, non-fattening, and didn't hurt anyone else. He knew what would make him feel better and he did it. And I assume it worked, because when I woke up in the morning he was back sleeping in his bed.
I think self-soothing in healthy ways is a useful skill to learn.
I wasn't always aware of this need for self-soothing, and I think I realized it in one particular therapy session. I didn't know the therapist that well, and the process wasn't going particularly well. To get a rise out of her, I said "you know, I'm just so stressed I find myself wanting to buy a pack of cigarettes and start smoking!"
I'm not sure what I wanted her to say. I think I wanted her to be concerned, to say "oh Laura, please don't do that. You're better than that!"
Instead she shrugged and said "whatever gets you through the night."
I was shocked. I was so used to being told what NOT to do, how NOT to live, and here she was giving me permission to do something that I knew I "shouldn't" do.
"Laura, if that's what it takes to get you through a tough time, that's what it takes. But can you think of other ways to soothe yourself? Ways that won't.. I don't know... give you lung cancer?"
(She was way smarter than I thought she was. And I was not as smart as I thought I was. So therapy with her worked more effectively after that.)
Did anyone ever give you permission to do something that would soothe yourself? Something was wasn't "normal" behavior?
I have a friend that still buys herself stuffed animals that look particularly soft, even though she's married and her kids are in high school. When the going gets tough, she grabs the stuffies and watches a favorite old movie. And it gets her through the night.
As for me, I make myself some tea and then sit in the bathtub and read. Sometimes I have to let all the water out and run a new bath so the water's warm. Sometimes I have to run four tubfuls of water and finish a book before I'm ready to emerge, pruny and pale, to face what's waiting outside the bathroom door.
And I do yoga. My mat has become a safe place for me, just like my closet is for my son during a thunderstorm.
Think about where your safe place is. Does it really make you feel comforted, or is it just a routine? What would REALLY give you comfort (and wouldn't hurt you or anyone else)? Try it.
Go ahead. I give you permission. :)
